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Review
by
Brian Lindsey
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4
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6 |
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10
= Highest Rating |
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It
is 2019 A.D., a decade since civilization was destroyed by thermonuclear
war. Small bands of survivors roam the countryside in caravans
scrounging for supplies. But the scarcity of food is the least
of their worries. The Templars, a fanatical death-cult of motorized
raiders with bad hairdos and matching white jumpsuits, have
sworn to hunt down and slaughter everyone left alive until the
world is cleansed of humanity. These 'new barbarians' attack
and destroy on sight, purely for the sadistic joy of killing.
True to form for a Road
Warrior rip-off, a heroic nomad in a suped-up muscle
car enters the scene to oppose the bad guys. Scorpion (Giancarlo
Prete, billed as "Timothy Brent") isn't especially altruistic;
he just doesn't like Templars. He seems to have some kind of
past association with their insane leader, the self-styled One
(Euro-Cult veteran George Eastman), which the film never bothers
to explain and certainly leaves open to various interpretations...
because an hour into the story, after Scorpion has killed a
few Templars and then been captured, One anally rapes him
in a ritual ceremony before the assembled gang. Though not explicit,
it's still rather shocking — not very many action movie heroes
get sodomized in the course of their adventures. (Tortured,
yes, but buggered?) Scorpion escapes before being executed,
though, when he's rescued by another nomadic warrior of the
wasteland called Nadir (Fred "The Hammer" Williamson),
master bowman with an arsenal of high-tech, explosive-tipped
arrows. Together they take on the Templars to save a group of
survivors, including Scorp's foxy new squeeze Alma (one-time
'Miss Italy' Anna Karakis). Aiding them in the final showdown
is The Mechanic (Giovanni Frezza), a young boy who's a genius-level
wizard with machinery. Some junk cars are blown up and stuntmen
cartwheel through the air, all set to a droning, repetitious
synthesizer score by Goblin member Claudio Simonetti. Basically
the film is just a bad spaghetti western set in the future.
The New Barbarians
is an incredibly dumb movie — and I'm already giving the awful
dialog a complete pass, since I expect nothing less from Italian
'post-nuke' schlock. It's ten years after the Apocalypse yet
our hero sports perfect TV anchorman hair. His centerfold-ready
girlfriend must've really stocked up on the beauty products
before The End came (especially mousse); it's as if she just
stepped out of a fashion shoot. The silly, completely impractical
outfits Nadir and the Templars wear make them look like the
chorus line from Andrew Lloyd Webber's Starlight Express.
The vehicles Eastman and his henchmen cruise around in are ludicrous.
Built on the chassis of Volkswagen compacts, these 'Templarmobiles'
more resemble golf carts on steroids than deadly Death Cars
of the 21st Century. They're festooned with all sorts of impossible
contraptions (retractable cannon, flamethrowers, even whirling
decapitation blades!) and the engine noises are replaced by
high-pitched whines, making them sound like spaceships in a
kids' cartoon. (Scorpion fares a little better in this regard,
but not by much. If you thought it impossible to make a V-8
muscle car look dorky — other than by painting it, say, pink
or lime green — then think again.)
M-16s are given 'laser gun' foley to make them sound futuristic.
Of course the boners listed above absolutely pale in comparison
to the film's two biggest faux pas... Although Mankind has almost
been wiped out by nuclear holocaust, not a single mention
is made of radioactive contamination. Scorpion is even seen
filling a water bottle from a stream. So why's everyone so worried
about food, then? Hell, try growing some! Finally (and this
is the one that'll bug the crap out of you the entire movie),
just where in tarnation is everybody getting all that gasoline?
The supply of fuel — not to mention styling mousse and shoulder
pads — doesn't appear to have been affected by the end of the
world.
Italian director Enzo G. Castellari (Keoma,
1990: The Bronx Warriors)
is a competent director of low budget action films, with a fondness
for Peckinpah-style slow motion violence. His customary techniques
are on display in The New Barbarians
but it's obvious he's just going through the motions, with very
little money at hand to do even that. Prete makes for a robotic
hero; Eastman (Anthropophagus)
overacts wildly. Williamson is his usual cool self but is saddled
with abysmal dialog. Frezza, the irritating brat from House
By the Cemetery, is almost as annoying here as he is in
the Fulci film. Criminally, Kanakis doesn't really ever get
naked. (A brief flash of booty and boob — that's it.) The gay
angle on the Templars weirdly comes out of nowhere (though perhaps
the lack of women camp followers should've been a giveaway)
and nothing really comes of it. (Scorpion does get to 'screw'
his rapist in return, however, in Eastman's not-so-subtly ironic
death scene.) Hammer's archery results in a couple of nifty
exploding heads and some of the action scenes are amusing in
their silliness, but that's about it. There's just not enough
'good' cheese to counterbalance all the dreck.
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The
Good News: Shriek Show's release of New
Barbarians doesn't appear to have any technical faults
— the disc worked fine in both my living room component player
and PC DVD-ROM drive. The print used for the anamorphic transfer
(2:35 widescreen AR) looks excellent, with no damage to the source
materials. Extras — in the form of trailers, an amusing audio
commentary with director Castellari (speaking good English, fielding
questions from David Gregory) and a five-minute interview with
Fred Williamson (culled from the more extensive sit-down with
the actor found on the Bronx Warriors
DVD) — add value to the package.
The Bad News: Audio quality ain't so
hot. Beyond sounding flat and thin, the Mono English-language
track pumps up the music and sound effects (sometimes causing
distortion) at the expense of the dialog, which is so weak and
muffled that it's often unintelligible. When characters speak
in normal tones (i.e., they aren't yelling), you'll really have
to crank it up. I much prefer to enjoy my cheese without having
to keep a finger poised at all times over the volume control.
Damned irritating!
11/18/04 |
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