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5
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8 |
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10
= Highest Rating |
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So...
I'm finally getting 'round to the infamous
Van Helsing. This
mega-budget misfire isn't really a cult film but
it does represent the most prominent modern interpretation
(to date) of those great classic movie monsters
of yesteryear: Count Dracula, the Wolf Man, and
the Frankenstein Monster. Too bad these characters
are shoehorned into an action/adventure movie
for kids, not an actual horror film.
Hugh Jackman (X-Men)
stars as the titular hero, who owes more to Wesley
Snipes' Blade and Robert
E. Howard's pulp character Solomon Kane than the
monster-slaying metaphysicists portrayed by Edward
Van Sloan and Peter Cushing in the classic movies
of yore. As the "Left Hand of God", Van Helsing
is tasked by a secret society based in the Vatican
(although in a sop to modern day political correctness,
one composed of members from every major religion)
to seek out and destroy supernatural evil. Just
like James Bond he's equipped for each mission
with an array of high-tech gadgets and weaponry
provided by the group's own Q Branch, which is
staffed by monks working in the Holy See's basement.
Tortured by an inability to remember his past,
it's hinted that Van Helsing is no ordinary mortal
— he may be two thousand
(or more) years old. The only thing he can recall
is having fought the Romans at Masada.
After
dispatching the murderous Mr. Hyde in Paris, Van
Helsing reports back to the Vatican for further
orders. Cardinal Jinette (Alun Armstrong) gives
him a new assignment: travel to Transylvania,
where he's to protect the last surviving members
of the Valerious family from the wrath of Count
Dracula (Richard Roxburgh). For almost 500 years
the Valerious clan has warred with the evil vampire,
honoring a pledge made to the Church to either
slay him or forfeit any chance to enter heaven.
Now the family is down to two surviving members,
siblings Velkan (Will Kemp) and Anna (Underworld's
Kate Beckinsale); should they be killed by Dracula
or his minions then neither they nor any of their
ancestors will be welcomed through the pearly
gates by St. Peter. Thus Van Helsing arrives in
a storybook-beautiful Transylvania with comic-relief
sidekick Friar Carl (David Wenham) in tow. They
hook up with the swashbuckling, sword-wielding
Anna (her brother Velkan has since become a werewolf
in thrall to Dracula), learning that the Count
is on the verge of realizing his darkest dream
— to unleash upon
the world his "children"... thousands
of undead, inhuman creatures spawned by the unholy
union between him and his three vampire brides.
But he'll need to tap the unnatural life force
of the infamous Frankenstein Monster (Shuler Hensley)
to achieve this aim...
Yes, Van Helsing
is a loud, stupid movie that substitutes massive
CG overkill for even the most cursory of nods
to dialog, characterization and common sense.
It hardly ever pauses to take a breath, plunging
us into one elaborate —
sometimes interminable —
action sequence after another. There's so much
action, in fact, that after awhile it actually
starts to get tedious; this is especially so during
the long, drawn-out climax. The script, written
by director Stephen Sommers, could've been lifted
straight out of a bad comic book (as opposed to
a good comic book like, say, Hellboy).
Jackman, terrific as Wolverine in the X-Men films
(and reportedly in the running to replace Pierce
Brosnan as the next 007), does what he can given
the terrible dialog, but his character is so stoic
that he often comes across as an automaton. Count
Dracula, played with hammy exuberance by Roxburgh,
seems more like a spoiled rock star throwing a
tantrum because his dressing room's stocked with
the wrong brand of bottled water than the infernal
Lord of the Undead. Roxburgh (Moulin
Rouge!) is a fine actor, obviously trying
to match the grandiose scale of the production
with an outsized, over-the-top performance. But
he's miscast. The part should've gone to an older
actor with a more menacing screen presence...
When one can't take a flick's villain even semiseriously
then all the pitfalls and dangers faced by the
heroes aren't looked on with much trepidation,
either. (I've always thought Timothy Dalton would
make a great Dracula, by the way.) In a related
vein, Beckinsale's Anna —
who is not imbued with any kind of supernatural
powers — repeatedly
takes ridiculous amounts of physical punishment
without so much as a scratch or bruise. Needless
to say it's difficult to generate suspense when
the characters we're supposed to be rooting for
seem nigh on indestructible.
But is Van Helsing
as wretchedly awful as everyone and their mother
seems to think? It's not a good film —
not by any stretch of the imagination —
but it can be occasionally entertaining, packed
to the rafters as it is with all sorts of eye
candy. Production design is absolutely spectacular
(the Universal/Hammer gothic aesthetic on steroids)
and I actually liked many of the special effects,
particularly the CG-rendered werewolves and castles.
(The problem with Van Helsing's
computer FX is more one of quantity rather
than quality; there's just too damn much of it.)
The 'steampunk' design of the Frankenstein Monster
is also pretty neat, and although he has relatively
few scenes, Hensley gives the creature a nicely
Karloffian sense of pathos. Perhaps the film's
most 'special' effect, however, is Kate Beckinsale,
who — despite a not
very believable performance and an even dodgier
Rumanian accent —
is quite simply ravishingly gorgeous. (Yowza!)
Drac's troika of foxy vampire brides ain't too
shabby, either... when they're not morphing into
screeching albino bat-harpies, that is.
At any rate, my ten-year old nephew really
liked the film. This is, after all, a kid's
movie. Were I his age I'd probably think it
was cool, too.
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I
was surprised that Universal's Van
Helsing DVD bucks the current trend of major
studio releases getting the two-disc treatment.
Such a package will probably show up eventually
(the super-duper special extended collector's edition
or some such), but for now this should more than
satisfy anyone who actually likes the movie. Quite
a few extras are included considering the film's
2 hour-plus running time —
though the actual merits of these bonus features
are debatable. (More about this in a sec.) A/V quality
of the 1.85:1 widescreen transfer is, of course,
state-of-the art, although those so equipped may
lament the absence of a DTS audio option. Regardless
of one's setup, however, this is a terrific looking-and-sounding
DVD.
Extras: Two commentary tracks, three featurettes,
a blooper reel, promos and an 'interactive' tour.
Even if you really like the film the first commentary,
with director Sommers and producer/co-editor Bob
Ducsay, can easily be skipped; recorded before the
disappointing box-office returns came in, it's just
too smarmy and full of premature backslapping to
be worthwhile. The 2nd track, with Roxburgh, Hensley
and Kemp, is a livelier affair, certainly more entertaining.
The featurettes are basically puff pieces of the
like seen on HBO before a film opens in theaters.
As for the interactive tour, Explore Dracula's
Castle, well... I think something like "Explore
Kate Beckinsale's Corset &
Thigh-high Boots" would've been a better use
of disc space. The film's theatrical trailer and
Super Bowl promo (aired during that NFL championship
game which, thanks to Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction,
will live in infamy) top off the package.
2/24/05 |
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